In some cultures the fox is seen as wise and noble. In other cultures the fox is a trickster. Today I’ll meet a fox. What form will he take?
The much needed trickster. There to laugh at me and remind me I’m only human.
What will be his joke and my lesson? An unexpected house guest to make me regret my bad habit of leaving dirty dishes in the sink? Or maybe finding pride in doing a double under (with a jump rope) only to trip over the rope? How about starting a blog as a way to focus on making time for one’s desired hobbies only to spend more time focusing on the blog itself?
Last night and this morning my thoughts revolved around this blog. I was worried about what I would write. I hadn’t gone outside and photographed anything. What pictures would I share? The uncertainty and doubt was creeping in. And then I looked at the clock. I had spent quite a lot of time dwelling in this state. Oh, dear. Is this the trickster’s lesson?
Something that was so exciting a few weeks ago now felt like a burden. That can’t be good. Clearly I’m walking a crooked trail here. Where had I gone wrong? Was I stretching myself too thin? Taking on too many new challenges without the needed energy reserves to sustain them.
No. It had nothing to do with any of that. Where I had gone wrong…I had let doubt and fear creep into my thinking. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to sustain the pace of daily blogging, because I started to fear others would get bored by what I posted. I was afraid of being judged as not good enough. I felt the gear click in place and I knew that I had hit the nail on the head.
I started this blog for myself. To chronicle my development– slow development– of learning new skills, such as flyfishing and yoga. And now I was thinking about what others would get from it. Should I change the topics I write about to gain more readers? Oh, dear. Vanity and pride rear thier ugly heads, again.
I sit here and think. Where do I go from here? How do I stay grounded? Because I’m feeling spaced out. What’s blocking my creativity and feeding my fear? Fear of exposing my life to others and being exploited, judged, and vulnerable to them. Fear of sharing and letting the world in. Exposing my inconsequence. Showing the bounty of my resources– freedom, money, food– when others may not have as much. Spending time obsessing over the minute details of my own life when there are more talented and special people out there in the world. People doing amazing and impactful things. More important people.
So, why had the fear developed? I believe it all started, because I was reading other peoples’ blogs. I found myself jealous of their accomplishments and humbled by their life experiences.
Their pictures were so beautiful, I’ll never be able to do that.
Their attention to detail and knowledge is so deep and such a part of them, it will never be a part of me.
My negativity is chocking me. I want to withdraw. To close up this rip in the Internet that I had opened for myself.
To move forward, I need to make peace with this inner-conflict. It’s keeping me from seeing the future path. The small steps that are required for any long journey. That’s the reason I started this blog, after all. It’s a place where I’m supposed to learn a few lessons.
So I sat down at the computer this morning. And I wrote. I sluffed off the fear and uncertainty. I decided to keep going.
I opened my heart and fed the gratitude.
After all, I’ve moved forward. I’m not stuck in a rut. I had started some wonderful new habits this year. I was taking pictures. I was writing and thinking. I was going to yoga and crossfit twice a week– four days of exercise a week that I wasn’t doing last year.
I needed to look at these small things to understand that the blog hasn’t distracted me. It’s actually brought me quite a bit more than I expected. Worldwide connections I never anticipated. Encouragement from strangers that get nothing back from what they’re giving me.
And the skills of those bloggers who I admire give me a goal to drive toward. A target to direct myself.
I will continue to walk this path. Lift my eyes up from the ground in front of me. Hold my head up tall to gaze at the world around me and enjoy the sights and sounds as they go by.