Heyokah, that trickster

In some cultures the fox is seen as wise and noble. In other cultures the fox is a trickster. Today I’ll meet a fox. What form will he take?

Photo of Arctic fox taken at the Woodland Park Zoo

The much needed trickster. There to laugh at me and remind me I’m only human.

What will be his joke and my lesson? An unexpected house guest to make me regret my bad habit of leaving dirty dishes in the sink? Or maybe finding pride in doing a double under (with a jump rope) only to trip over the rope? How about starting a blog as a way to focus on making time for one’s desired hobbies only to spend more time focusing on the blog itself?

Bingo!

Last night and this morning my thoughts revolved around this blog. I was worried about what I would write. I hadn’t gone outside and photographed anything. What pictures would I share? The uncertainty and doubt was creeping in. And then I looked at the clock. I had spent quite a lot of time dwelling in this state. Oh, dear. Is this the trickster’s lesson?

Something that was so exciting a few weeks ago now felt like a burden. That can’t be good. Clearly I’m walking a crooked trail here. Where had I gone wrong?  Was I stretching myself too thin? Taking on too many new challenges without the needed energy reserves to sustain them.

No. It had nothing to do with any of that. Where I had gone wrong…I had let doubt and fear creep into my thinking. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to sustain the pace of daily blogging, because I started to fear others would get bored by what I posted. I was afraid of being judged as not good enough.  I felt the gear click in place and I knew that I had hit the nail on the head.

I started this blog for myself. To chronicle my development– slow development– of learning new skills, such as flyfishing and yoga. And now I was thinking about what others would get from it. Should I change the topics I write about to gain more readers? Oh, dear. Vanity and pride rear thier ugly heads, again.

I sit here and think. Where do I go from here? How do I stay grounded? Because I’m feeling spaced out. What’s blocking my creativity and feeding my fear? Fear of exposing my life to others and being exploited, judged, and vulnerable to them. Fear of sharing and letting the world in. Exposing my inconsequence. Showing the bounty of my resources– freedom, money, food– when others may not have as much. Spending time obsessing over the minute details of my own life when there are more talented and special people out there in the world. People doing amazing and impactful things. More important people.

So, why had the fear developed? I believe it all started, because I was reading other peoples’ blogs. I found  myself jealous of their accomplishments and humbled by their life experiences.

Their pictures were so beautiful, I’ll never be able to do that.

Their attention to detail and knowledge is so deep and such a part of them, it will never be a part of me.

My negativity is chocking me. I want to withdraw. To close up this rip in the Internet that I had opened for myself.

To move forward, I need to make peace with this inner-conflict. It’s keeping me from seeing the future path. The small steps that are required for any long journey. That’s the reason I started this blog, after all. It’s a place where I’m supposed to learn a few lessons.

So I sat down at the computer this morning. And I wrote. I sluffed off the fear and uncertainty. I decided to keep going.

I opened my heart and fed the gratitude.

After all, I’ve moved forward. I’m not stuck in a rut. I had started some wonderful new habits this year. I was taking pictures. I was writing and thinking. I was going to yoga and crossfit twice a week– four days of exercise a week that I wasn’t doing last year.

I needed to look at these small things to understand that the blog hasn’t distracted me. It’s actually brought me quite a bit more than I expected. Worldwide connections I never anticipated. Encouragement from strangers that get nothing back from what they’re giving me.

And the skills of those bloggers who I admire give me a goal to drive toward. A target to direct myself.

I will continue to walk this path. Lift my eyes up from the ground in front of me. Hold my head up tall to gaze at the world around me and enjoy the sights and sounds as they go by.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Heyokah, that trickster

  1. Starting a blog can certainly be a daunting task, I know it was for me. “What do I say?” “What if they don’t like my pictures?” Am I going to sound like an idiot?” “If I write a blog and nobody follows right away, will I have the patience to stick with it until they do?”

    I have to admit, I started my blog for purely selfish reasons, to promote my photography. Just another form of social media that I’m “supposed” to use to get my images in front of as many eyes as possible. To my utter amazement, a great source of gratification has come from the number of people asking me for help with their photography. Me, really, will miracles never cease? Another is the interaction with people all over the world. People I would never come across in my daily life.

    I try to write at least once a week, definitely for the weekly photo challenge. I also try to get in something that will help others, with tips and tricks that have helped me. I know I could never do a daily blog, I just don’t have that much to say 😀

    • Yeah, I’m not sure if this daily writing business will work out for me either. But it’s a pretty good challenge as a writer. My writing style on the blog is a nice counter balance to the technical documentation I write at work. I can throw away or sneer in the face of grammar rules. Thrilling. Not sure if readers appreciate my rebelious nature, though. I’m waiting with baited breath for a grammar teacher to call me out.

      By the way, I lump you into the bucket of other bloggers that I admire (aka, how can I get my pictures to look like that?). I’ll definitely be following your blog and reading your tips and tricks.

      I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m hoping my blog serves as a record of how I can improve over time. If I’m patient and put in the work, that is. There’s just so much I want to do in this life. I have a tough time prioritizing, and I’m easily randomized.

      • The heck with proper grammar, within reason anyway. I’d much rather read a blog that is written with feeling, and in a way that is more the way you would actually talk to your friends. Not that I would know proper grammar if it ran me over in the street.

        And thank you very much! If there is anything you’d like to know about my photography, or just photography in general, don’t hesitate to ask. I mean it too. Reply to a comment or contact me through the contact page on my blog, any time, any question, I really enjoy helping. That is probably the biggest surprise I’ve gotten from starting my blog. Who knew I like to teach and share what I know?

    • Hi Cristian,
      I hadn’t seen one before either. I love how the corners of his mouth turn up into a smile. He was very curious about us humans. He just sat there watching us with his little smile. But then later he curled up for a nap, just like a house cat. A small fluffy white ball of fur on the ground. I thought he was adorable.

  2. Pingback: Culture Hero « Earthpages.ca

  3. I believe you’ll find a lot of motivation and pleasure in writing and expressing your thoughts. Did you take the photograph of the white fox? It’s fascinating… I would love to see it, you are very lucky!

    • Thanks. 🙂 Yes, the snow fox picture is from a trip to the local zoo. I didn’t see it in the wild.
      I have another photo where the little fox curled up in a fluffy white ball and took a nap. Adorable!

  4. Pingback: Culture Hero | Earthpages.ca

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s